Around 10:08 a.m., on June 25, some fed up people and a merchant called in and asked that the cops come out and tell a bozo named Thomas Carr to get his behind out and to leave them folks alone.  A car was sent over to see why this clown was bothering people.  

Criminal of the week:

Burglar so drunk he fell asleep in the home that he was burglarizing: AKRON, OHIO, June 22, it was reported that a 31-year-old Ed McGuiness was so drunk when he tried to burglarize a home in the 1100 block of Neptune Avenue, this dumb cluck fell asleep at the folk’s house that he was robbing. A family member arrived home and found their 42’ flatscreen TV had been ripped off the wall and the stupid burglar had passed out and was sleeping like he lived there. The family person called the police to wake his dumb butt up. Surprise, Surprise!

Akron Ohio

Charlie smacked his baby’s momma who is 8 months pregnant: On June 22, an angry woman who is eight months pregnant reported that her baby’s daddy, 22-year-old Charles Clinkscales, had slapped her around and made numerous threats on her life. Sick and tiered of this crap, she called the cops on Charlie’s behind.   Mr. “C” has been charged with Domestic Violence. I guess this will teach him to keep his damn hands to himself, and that he is her baby’s daddy and not hers. See yah Chuck!

A man broke in and repo’ed his Chevy Blazer that had been repo’ed: June 20, an employee from the All Ohio Recovery Company located in the 900 block of Independence Avenue, called and reported that someone had the nerve to cut the pad lock off the gate to the their repo yard after they closed and went in and took back a 1985 Chevy Blazer SUV from their lot. This really pissed them off, but maybe they now known how it feels for somebody to sneak in and take your stuff. Ya’ll look out! What goes around comes around. It is all considered stealing.

Thief climbs in window and steals 4 pair of designer blue jeans:

On June 20, between 10 a.m. and 3:30 p.m., a thief crawled in through an open window of a house in the 1000 block ofBeardsley Street. This petty thief stole four pair of the owner’s most valued designer blue jeans. What in the hell are these idiots smoking that will make them steal anything? Whenever they get caught no betta for um, now let them smoke that.

Dude named Cravana got busted and tried to bribe the police: On June 22, it was reported that a cop stopped a dude named Cravana Moore and discovered that Bro Mo’ was driving with his license under suspension, but Mo also had a dope scale in the car for measuring substances. Mo first tried to talk his way out of his jam and when that didn’t work he offered the officer some dough. Shame on him! They gonna really teach him a lesson. Slammer, here he comes!

Thieves stole everything, including the kitchen sink: Between June 13 and June 19, thieves broke into the back door of a vacant house over in the 100 block ofWillard Street and went plum crazy stealing stuff. These rascals stole all the copper plumbing, the vent covers, the water heater, and the rotten bastards even stole the kitchen sink. Nothing is safe anymore when these fools break in. It is a dang shame how they ransack a house to get thirty or forty dollars. Yeah, they smokin’!

Crack heads now breaking into construction sites for copper: On June 19, it was reported that rogues had broken into a construction site that the Hampton Plumbing Company on Memorial Parkway was working on. The thieves broke into a locked, fenced-in area, and had themselves a ball stealing stuff.  It is pathetic that construction sites and junk yards are now being broken into. All this will do is drive up prices on new homes and other items that use copper.

Man says some son of a gun stole his damn pistol: It was reported on June 20, by an owner of a house over in the 400 block ofDowning Place, that some son of a gun had crawled in through the basement window and looted the family’s home. They said that the rogues stole over 250 DVDs, a 42’ flatscreen TV, and this sucka also took his damn pistol, which really pissed them off. Police are investigating the robbery.

Darnell got caught riding with a loaded gun and stolen property: Akron Police reported on June 21, they pulled over a car driven by Darnell Secession. While searching “D’s” s ride they found several incriminating items such as a loaded gun. Cops have levied a series of charges against old boy—receiving stolen property, Improper Handling of a Firearm, Carrying a Concealed Weapon and driving under suspension.

Suckas had to have a big “A” truck to take dude’s 55’ TV: I just can’t believe that one rascal can steal a 55 inch television by himself. Akron PD, reported that between June 18 and 19, some thieving suckas broke into a House over onWest Cedar Street and walked out with the folk’s 55 inch television and a surround sound system. It would look damn suspicious if you saw these clowns walking down the street carrying a 55 inch TV, so they must have had a truck of some kind waiting in order to haul it away. Police are looking into the matter.    

Why in the hell would they take somebody’s lawn mower?TheseKnuckleheads have gone plum crazy stealing stuff! On June 20, between the hours of noon and 6:50 p.m., some rotten knucklehead pushed in the window of a garage door of a house in the 800 block ofSutherland Avenue, and then went in and stole the folk’s lawn mower. Maybe this ding-bat just might go out and try to cut some grass to earn some cash to kick his habit. Police are looking into the bandit who might be out there cutting grass somewhere.  

Columbus Ohio

Jessica tried to blow off both of Joe’s knee caps: On June 6, about 2:22 in the morning, police received a call from a person on Vine Street near Kilbourne Avenue,  reporting that a 24-year-old fella named Joseph Scrutchen Jr., had been shot in both of his legs by a woman he was familiar with, Miss Jessica Burgess. It was stated that Miss Lady opened fire on ol’ Joe as he got out of his car. Jessica was caught a few blocks away and surrendered without a fight. Po’ Joe was taken to a nearby hospital and treated.  

Virgin shot Montelle over on Forest Drive: At 9:08 p.m., on June 21, a caller onForest Creek Drive reported that there was a big fight in the parking lot of the Forest Creek Apartments, where a 22-year-old Brandon Virgin had been shot by 19-year-old   Montelle Goodman. It was said that during the ruckus Montelle pulled out a pistol and shot Virgin once. Goodman is charged with Discharging a Firearm and Felonious Assault.

Some chump smacked Jamar in the face and jumped off the bus: There seems to a big mix-up about what really happened on a COTA bus and why. On June 13, at 10:22 p.m., a COTA bus pulled over to make a stop at Cleveland / Myrtle Avenue. As three guys were getting off the bus, one the punks, who was wearing sunglasses, reached over and slapped an 18-year-old fella named Jamar Brantly across his face. Jamar got off and chased the three and one of them turned and shot him. “J” was taken to an area hospital in stable condition. Police are looking for these dangerous fools.  If you know something, say something. Next time it might be you that gets slapped.

Dye pack explodes all over ding bat who robbed Broad St. Key Bank: On June 20, right after the Key Bank on East Broad Street opened, a man walked in and gave the teller a note that said “This is a Robbery; gimmee all the cash in the drawer.”

The teller complied as they had been instructed and gave the dude the cash in a bag which also included an identifying dye pack. However, no sooner than Mr. Smart Butt walked out of the bank, the dye pack exploded all over his behind. Bingo! 

Who in the hell shot at Paul and Lebein over on Kimberly: Around 3:50 p.m., on June 17, a car pulled up beside two fellas near Kimberly Parkway and just opened fire. Paul Harris and Lebein Conley, said that don’t even know these chumps and wondered, “what’s up with that?” Both Paul and Lebein were shot and were taken to an area hospital in stable condition. The cops are investigating this matter. If you know something, get paid by calling (614) 645 847.

Cleveland Ohio

Bums are sleeping in the basement of a vacant house on East 44^th:

On June 25, at 9: 42 a.m., a resident stopped a patrolman and told him to call the dispatcher. The resident requested the city housing department come out and board up a vacant house in the 1800 block of West 44^th Street because several bums are possibly living and sleeping in there. The neighbors are not sure what these rascals might be up to or doing in there. The dispatcher notified City Hall to send out a board-up crew to that location. 

Cops looking for Derrick who sexually assaulted another man: On June 25, at 9:38 a.m., a man called in and reported that he had just been sexually assaulted by another dude named Derrick who lives near 106^th Street in the Morris Black Projects. “D” is well known by the district police and several cars were rushed out to try and capture this sick buzzard. I wonder what was really going on?

Fool in CVS on West 25^th is causing havoc: On June 25, around 9:53 a.m., an upset manager at the CVS Drug store on West 25^th Street called police and reported that there was a trifling known thieving knucklehead in there raising hell with the employees and causing havoc. “Y’all come get this crazy fool.” A car was sent out to check out this “thugmo.”

Dude over on 55^th and St. Clair is raising hell: Around 10:08 a.m., on June 25, some fed up people and a merchant called in and asked that the cops come out and tell a bozo named Thomas Carr to get his behind out and to leave them folks alone.  A car was sent over to see why this clown was bothering people.  

Two bold scrappers just broke in a vacant house on East 78^th Street:

The nerve of these chumps! In broad daylight they are breaking into places. On June 25, around 10:07 a.m., a concerned resident in the 1000 block of East 78^th Street called in and reported that two bold son of a guns were breaking in the house next door to ransack it for scrap-iron and anything else that they can junk. A car was sent out to try and catch these iron bandits.